Mo' Money, Mo' Problems

“Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold. I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God.” Psalms 69: 1-3

                The Bible has easily become one of my favorite books because no matter what book, chapter, or verse that I read, God leads me to what my soul needs. Today, as I am writing, I am filled with anxiety and anguish. When I feel like this, I love to dive deep into the book of Psalms because of King David. David, in my opinion, is one of the most eloquent writers and his descriptions of his various emotions are so vulnerable and raw that is impossible not to experience them with him. One of the things that I have found myself consistently anxious about is money. I have come to hate the idea of money because our society revolves around it but there never seems to be enough of it. What I love most about God is that whatever is on your heart, whatever you cry out to Him for, whatever you are struggling with, He delivers you.

                It’s crazy to think that a couple of years ago, my husband and I were obsessed with money and with status. We wanted to flex, have the best of the best, present ourselves as comfortable when we were far from it. When you step out of living in the flesh and look back, it’s mind-blowing to see what the mind will justify. We have found ourselves in more debt than we would like because we justified it. I remember listening to a sermon from Craig Groeschel at church one Sunday where he spoke about King David. King David is revered as “a man after God’s own heart”, but if you read his story, he made mistakes and choices just like we do. He indulged in sin to the point of orchestrating a man’s murder because King David impregnated his wife. But how did he get there? Pastor Craig illustrated it perfectly by simply saying that he justified his choices little by little until they weren’t so little anymore.

                Something similar happened with my husband and me. We justified taking out high percentage signature loans for Christmas or birthdays because “our kids deserved the best”, but really, I was overcompensating and felt guilty for what I couldn’t provide for them. Signing on that dotted line felt like a relief until the bill came. The same thing happened when we went out of town for a wedding and decided to put the entire weekend on a credit card and maxed it out. We lived big until our income tax came around and instead of putting the money toward something useful, we had to pay off these debts that we racked up. When I sit back and think about it, all the money that has essentially gone to waste for the sake of vanity and impulsivity, I want to kick myself.

“For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.” (1 Timothy 6:10)

Truthfully, before 2022, I didn’t know how to put my trust or faith in the Lord. I was in a constant state of distress, and I had no idea why. When I was a single parent, I was always had this thought of “if I just had x amount more, we would be set” but then God would give me that amount of money and I would still find my resources depleted. When my husband and I combined resources after we became serious, I thought, “wow, okay. There’s no way that we have money troubles now. We don’t have a lot of bills, we can pay extra toward debt with combined incomes, we’re set” and the same thing would happen. I’m laughing now as I type this because God just revealed something to me that I’ve been struggling with. He tried to show me that no matter what He blessed us with, until He was at the center of our lives, we would continue to be depleted. It’s funny how a bible verse that was written two thousand years ago still holds true today. Especially today.

“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.” Psalms 40: 1-2

                I wouldn’t say that I was patient in waiting for the Lord, and I’m sure that He and Jesus are confirming that, but He did deliver me from that constant state of anxiety and despair. There was a day, even before my husband fully devoted his entire life to Christ, when we were talking about our finances. We were struggling, not knowing what to do, and he suggested that we start tithing. I understand that there is a stigma around tithing and many people are under the assumption that it’s just a front for religious leaders to steal from the congregation. I won’t say that isn’t true but it’s definitely not what it’s intended to be. There are some religious leaders who strayed from the path that God set them on and betrayed Him and His church, but that is a judgement that will await them. My husband sat on the bed next to me, while I was sobbing and trying to figure out what we were going to do. I couldn’t understand how we were going to afford anything else if we gave ten percent of our income to tithe when we were barely scraping by as it was.

                My husband took my hand, and I laid my head on his shoulder then he asked, “How can we claim to have a faith in God if we can’t trust Him with our finances?”. That was around two years ago, and we haven’t missed a moment to tithe since. Has it been easy? No, absolutely not. There were some moments when I truly didn’t know where our next meal was coming from. There were lots of moments that hurt my pride being a late-twenties wife and mother, having to ask our families for financial help. Luckily, God has blessed us with a community that is more than willing to help out in times of need, and we are blessed to be able to return it whether it be financial, time, or love. Has it been worth it? Absolutely. The abundance that God has given us has overflowed to the point that when we have the ability, we look for any chance to give cheerfully and generously. My favorite part is seeing how this has affected my husband, watching him become this incredibly faithful man of God is indescribable.

“Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. ‘Test me in this,’ says the Lord Almighty, ‘and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it.’” Malachi 3:10

                I think there are people who attribute words like “abundance” and “blessings” to monetary values, and while it’s true that God will bless us monetarily, I look around and see that when I gave up wanting to have more and more money, God truly opened the floodgates on our lives. We have a marriage that is blessed by God, my dad has dedicated his life to Christ and has now started going to church, we are less uptight and stressed thus allowing us to be better parents and people, God moved us to where we were praying to be, and if I sat here to try to list all of what God has done in just the start of 2024, I’d have a never-ending post. Are there moments that I still struggle and find myself thinking about money and what I could accomplish if I had more? Yes. Just today, before I started writing, I started furiously scouring the internet for jobs that I could do at home or trying to justify paying thousands of dollars in daycare expenses for the summer when I felt God urging me to start writing.

“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7

                What I love about the Bible is God’s consistency. He truly today as He was in the Old Testament then throughout thousands of years to the New Testament. I’ve been reading this devotional about writing, praying over my words and my thoughts, making sure that whatever I write is the Truth. Yesterday’s devotional was about writing, even if you don’t feel like it. I’ve loved writing, getting to fully think about what I’m thinking about then purging it all out on paper to express myself. I’ve been trying to write a novel but haven’t felt inspired to, mostly due to feeling scared and inadequate. “Who am I? Just a mom with three kids, no degree, and no real qualifications to write,” The enemy often tries to tell me, “No one wants to read your words. That sounds stupid. That’s already been written,” the lies continue. But that’s not what God said today. He told me to write, to get it out, to say what was on my mind, to cast my anxieties on Him because He can lead me to peace.

                Just by looking up Bible verses and researching His words about deliverance and hope, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Will I ever have enough money to ease my financial burdens? No, and I pray that I never do. That is a day that I will no longer need God and I don’t ever want to find myself there. The only reason my family and I are where we’re at is because of Him. Because of His grace, His love, and His mercy, we are living a life of abundance. I will forever sing His praise.

“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 1 Corinthians 12:9

                Does my pride love that God lead me to be transparent and vulnerable with our finances? No, it does not. My husband probably more so than me. However, every time that I think about erasing it, I am reminded of the Apostle Paul. I can only pray to have the faith, discipline, and love for Jesus that he exemplified. From all the letters that he wrote in the New Testament, Paul was never scared to be exposed for who he was, where God delivered him from, and what he was proud to endure for Jesus’s glory. Just like true disciples of Christ, I can only be able to give glory to God with the truth. So, in true Paul-like fashion, I find joy in sharing our hardships because we get to point to Jesus when we’re asked, “how did you do it?”

We didn’t, He did.

Because His power is made perfect in our weakness.

                Heavenly Father, please forgive me for worrying and trying to find a solution that only You can provide. I’m sorry for working myself up into a frenzy when You have told me that You are in control and I’m sorry for trying to take that from You. Today, as I wrote, You graciously reminded me that I have nothing to be worried about because You provided for us then and will continue to provide for us. Thank You, Lord, because without You, we have nothing. Thank You for delivering us from the love and worry of money. Thank You for being patient with us as we navigate and teach ourselves how to be disciplined with our budget. Thank You, Holy Spirit, for giving us discernment and conviction when we start to spend impulsively and indulgently. Lord, I ask that You guide us and continue to help us with fiscal responsibility. In Jesus name, I pray. Amen.