Patience in the Waiting

“Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” Psalms 27:14

“Wait for God’s timing.” It’s easier said than done. I feel like my entire life has been waiting on something. Something better, something greater than myself, and maybe that’s the way this life is supposed to go. It would make sense since the ultimate plan is for Jesus to return to destroy the enemy once and for all, but what am I supposed to do in the meantime? Since I’ve gotten closer to entering my thirties, I’ve looked back and found myself borderline grieving my life and how it has seemed to pass me by. The first quarter of my twenties was dedicated to someone who didn’t deserve it, the second quarter was attempting to recover from the trauma, the following quarter was meeting my husband, and the finale was fully dedicating my life to Christ. I think that there’s this misconception among non-believers or lukewarm Christians that following Jesus solves all of our problems but if I’m being completely honest, I have been more aware of my struggles.  There have been many times that I found myself being frustrated, depleted, and depressed because my life doesn’t look the way that I thought it was going to, but there are moments of clarity when I remember that God has a plan for my life, even if it’s different from mine.

Recently, I’ve experienced more frustration over my life than any other emotion. I think some of that has to do with my spirit battling my flesh, pulling me from those worldly desires that I’ve become so accustomed to. It’s one of the hardest things to deny yourself and take up your cross like Jesus commanded. When I was eighteen, even as a teen mom, I had the world before me. I had an abundance of time and possibilities but somewhere along the way, I forgot who I was, or it could be that I never had it figured out. I handed myself to the enemy on a silver platter, he had me flipped around, confused, and insecure. There were so many majors in college that I wanted to try because they sounded interesting or impressive, but I would get bored or discouraged. I gave up so many times and I am nowhere near graduating with a degree than I was when I started. That frustrates me more than anything because kids that graduated YEARS after me now have their bachelor’s degree and graduate degrees and here I am, near thirty with three kids and a husband, living with my parents, no job, and no where near a career that I’m passionate about.

Lately, as in the past few weeks, I’ve been questioning my decisions more and more. I’ve found myself wondering if I had just stuck with this major or that major would my life turned out better. Would I be more financially stable? Would I not be in so much debt? I have all these “what ifs” floating around in my head, rearing their ugly head when I’m most vulnerable. More often than not, this causes me to go into a spiral, furiously searching for jobs on job sharing sites. Even in the midst of my suffering, my sin, and the deep trench that I find myself in, I still feeling the loving hand of God touch my hand and stop me, calmly reminding me that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.

“…And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a times as this?” Esther 4:14 NIV

                With all the energy that I’ve spent frustrated, worried, and anxious (instead of in prayer), I became depleted. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, I felt like I had nothing to give but I had no choice but to keep going. I chose to have kids early in life, with someone that wasn’t emotionally or physically available, to help me to take care of them. Two kids, by yourself, before the age of 22 is a lot but they were my responsibility. The more that they grew up, the more I grew away from loving being their mom. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids and there was never a time that I didn’t, but I was so wrung out and using every bit of energy to keep myself above water that they didn’t get much of what was left over. For a few years, they got an angry, snappy, overwhelmed, and over-stimulated mom. They suffered greatly and I constantly found myself in a the maliciously created cycle the enemy created, and I fell victim to guilt, anger, resentment, and exhaustion.

                It was during these years, before I met my husband, that I found myself wondering what could have been. There were times that I would daydream about what it would be like, who I would be if I didn’t have my kids. I felt like there was no reprieve from what I was experiencing, no joy, no hope, and no peace. I felt like I would always be trying to play catch up to achieve what I thought success looked like. Ever since my oldest daughter had been born, I told anyone and everyone about how much she saved my life. She truly did. She was my saving grace, a gift from God, and I forgot it. I was so wrapped up in these lies that the enemy planted in my head, that I forgot how blessed that I truly am. Soon enough, depletion turns into depression.

“Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40: 30-31

                The metaphor that God put on my heart is: it’s like when you go to a grocery store and SWEAR that you only need a few things, so you opt out of a cart and basket. After perusing the aisles, you quickly figure out that you have more than your arms can carry and you’re struggling to carry it all. Then, you see that Jesus was walking with you all along, with a cart because He knew that you would need it. He walks along patiently, waiting for you to put your stuff in the cart, but because you got yourself into this “mess” by not getting a cart in the first place, you keep going, adding more and more things to the pile. I think this is the metaphor that He put on my heart because this is how I lived for so long. I loved that Jesus was “shopping” along beside me, even talking to Him, but every time the subject of me surrendering the weight of what I was carrying was brought up, I ignored Him. Jesus was too good for my iniquities, I couldn’t possibly disturb Him with all of these problems that I got myself into, plus He had more pressing matter to attend to.

“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7

                I think my first mistake was thinking that God has a priority list. God can be with me, with those that are suffering more than me, and you all at once. His heart broke when mine would because He loves me that much and sometimes that is really hard to wrap my head around. Not only does the Creator love me extensively but He has a plan for my life. He has an assignment on my life. One of the hardest concepts that I have had to accept is that my calling may just be to raise God-fearing children who save the world. My calling may just be to be a stay-at-home mom who has a knack for stringing words together, and that’s okay. Looking back to when I was growing up, there has never been any career field that I have been particularly passionate about other than serving others. It is truly something that I love to do and I feel like I’m really good at it. I’ve always wanted to be a mom and a wife but, in my grief, and depression, I forgot how much I wanted it. Because I had to be a mom and a dad, and didn’t rely on God to guide me, it was hard for me to let go of the idea of being an uber successful “boss babe” mom. Don’t get me wrong, all moms are rockstars. Whether you are a working mom or a stay-at-home mom or somewhere in-between, moms are the best.

“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” 1 Corinthians 10:31

Patience in the waiting has not been in my wheelhouse. I tend to try and rush things to make things happen on my time, causing me anxiety while God is just patiently waiting for me to let Him take control again. Having patience in finding my purpose in this life a whole other beast that I have been excessively worrying about if you haven’t gathered that this far. It’s hard to not understand where you are supposed to be in this life or to feel like your life is underwhelming. It’s even worse when you start comparing your life to others. But God is so good that He understands how much you are struggling and will give you peace over the situation even if you don’t have all of the answers. I know that I certainly don’t. What I do know is that whatever I do, whether it’s just being a stay-at-home mom who has a flair for dramatics and propensity for words, it will all be for the glory of God. Whether this blog, or the book that I swear I’m working on but too scared to re-open the word document, takes off and God blesses my family with financial abundance, it will be because of Him. Though it’s something that I have to remind myself of often, I have peace knowing that God has already been before me and declared victory. I can have peace knowing that God has already won.

“For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Dear Lord, again, I am humbled by Your majesty and Your goodness. I pray that whoever needs to read this, that You will lead them to the answers that they are seeking. I pray that Your glory shines through in my various testimonies, that the readers know that because of You, I am where I am supposed to be, just like they are as well. Lord, I pray that whatever they are struggling with, whatever they are carrying, they surrender it to You, so that You can replenish their soul and give them peace. You created us to be born in this time and while we may struggle with purpose, patience, and waiting, I thank you for reminding us that You are always in control, and You will always do good for Your children. In Jesus name, I pray. Amen.