“Was that too cheesy?” Mateo asks over the thunderous engine. Mateo drives them through the rough terrain of the land, climbing over rocks, and crushing branches, the trees flying by in blur as the wind rushes through the open ATV. Allie smiles as she remembers the line that Mateo delivered right before they left and the lasting effects that it posed.
“Yes, but I liked it.” she answered, her cheeks aching from the smile that never left her face. Mateo’s upright posture softens as his blue jean clad legs spread apart, a smirk gracing his handsome face. One arm drapes across the steering wheel as he leans closer to Allie while he navigates the hills and valleys toward their secret destination. Great googly moogly, he’s way too handsome for his own good, Allie thinks while trying not to gawk, I wasn’t sure if I had a type but it’s him. Mateo is my type. Allie folds her hands in her lap, forcing herself to look out into the pastures that they speed by, so she doesn’t make the date awkward by staring.
But she can’t help herself.
She steals a peak at the man who makes her weak in the knees next to her, but quickly looks down when they face each other at the same time, offering a nervous laugh and awkward smile. I’m so out of my league right now. How do moms even date? What do they even talk about? Allie’s lips twitch as she fumbles over her fingers. She lowers her head, her hair falling over her face as she avoids looking at Mateo again, let’s just get through this, let’s get it over with so we can all move on, Allie’s mood sours as her thoughts begin to tumble in and over logic.
As she’s staring over the vast land, the ATV suddenly comes to a halt. She twitches her head and flicks her brow at Mateo who is climbing out of the vehicle and walking over to her side. Before she can ask what he’s doing, he braces both hands on the roof, “What happened?”
“What are you talking about?” She asks breathlessly, trying to keep her composure while masking the mood that she put herself in.
“Your mood, it shifted. It changed.”
“No it didn’t.” She defends, how did he know that? She questions. She knows that she’s in a bad mood, but it feels impossible to say why, like she physically couldn’t tell him what was wrong even if she wanted to. It’s there. She can feel the words on the tip of her tongue, but it’s as if a barricade is wrapped around her throat, forcing the concerns back.
“Yes, it did. I can see it,” he circles a finger in front of her face, “it’s all over that pretty little face of yours.”
She ducks her head at his words, unable to accept the compliment though she’s sure her insides are positively beaming. The brushes her tongue over the surface of her teeth, this is so stupid. Why can’t I just say something? I should just say anything to get this over with and we can get on with our date. He’s going to think I’m stupid, and he’s never going to go out with me again, he’ll move back to Washington, and he’ll get married to some model look alike…
Allie feels a rough finger under her chin, tilting her head, where she meets the intense chestnut brown eyes that look like honey in the golden sunlight, that she was purposefully avoiding, “Hey, where’d you go?”
Allie laughs nervously, shaking her head, “It was nothing. I’m sorry, just got caught in some thoughts.”
“You sure?” He asks.
Allie’s arms deflate, was it really that easy to deter him? He’s a guy, of course it was. It was stupid anyway, “Yeah, I’m good. I’m fine”, why didn’t you just tell him?
Mateo looks at her suspiciously, staying silent for a moment as he observes her face, “No, you’re not,” he steps back for a moment and Allie suddenly misses the warmth of his body, chastising herself for not being brave enough to just say something, “As cool as it would be to read minds, I was never gifted with it. I know something’s wrong. I can feel it. Please just tell me so I don’t feel like I’m crazy for asking.”
Allie sees his eyes pleading, and she isn’t sure what it was, perhaps the urging or just the sincerity in his request, “I just don’t get it.” She rushes out.
Humor fills Mateo’s features, “Get what?”
Allie uses her finger to point between them, “This, us. You,” Mateo’s brow arches making Allie’s throw her hands up in frustration, “You’re a college basketball player! You’re fit, and good looking, and no kids. I’m just a pudgy mom whose life is in constant disarray.”
A cheeky grin fills Mateo’s face, showing his straight, bright smile, “You think I’m good-looking?” His comment makes Allie suppress a smile as she rolls her eyes and looks away. Mateo takes the opportunity to step closer to her, chuckling as he reaches to grab her hand, “Well, it would be really awkward if you thought I was ugly since you know how I think about you. I ruined my street cred in front of my siblings because you knocked the wind out of me.”
Allie snorts, “Your street cred?”
“Yeah, I’m the cool, aloof older brother. No emotion. Nerves of steel. How do you think I played for one of the top basketball schools in the country?” He straightens his shirt, slightly flexing which makes Allie giggle.
“And a pudgy mom got your number?” she asks sarcastically, shaking her head.
He scoffs, this time stepping close than before, hoping that he isn’t crossing a boundary that would catch him a charge, “No,” he whispers, shaking his head, the grabbing her chin with his thumb and fore finger, “You did, Allie. You got my number.” He captures her stare, praying that she understands his words. To him, she isn’t anything what she just described herself to be. He can surmise that her piece of work “baby daddy” led her to believe that she is less that what she is.
This moment will forever be embedded into Mateo’s memory when Allie Callahan took his entire life captive. Allie’s breath increases as Mateo leans closer, her heart threatening to thump right out of her chest. Mateo’s soft touch slowly grazes along her jawline then cups her face as his fingers tangle in Allie’s loosen waves, “Is this okay?” He whispers, his breath hot against Allie’s lips. She knows what’s about to happen and all she can do is nod, and that’s all it takes. Using his hand to brace the hood, he closes the distance between their lips.
In every romance book Allie had ever read, sparks flew. Electricity sparked during the first kiss, and perhaps that was the author’s way of describing a knowing between the characters, a knowing that they were destined to be together, that that’s how the readers would know the pair were supposed to be together.
But there were no sparks as Mateo’s full lips captured hers.
Fireworks didn’t pop in the distance; zaps of electrical currents didn’t ignite through them… it was better.
Allie’s eyes close as she settles into the kiss and it feels… safe.
Comforting.
Peaceful.
Allie gently grasps onto Mateo’s white button-down shirt as their lips dance together. Allie’s buttery soft lips are just as addicting to Mateo as his full lips are to her, but Mateo reluctantly pries himself from her lips. Both of their chests are heaving as they suck in the oxygen, but it was worth it. Mateo rests his forehead against Allie’s as she still holds his shirt, giving a soft chuckle. Mateo gives a gentle kiss to the tip of her nose, making Allie squeal audibly with delight, “You’re so cute, you ready to keep going?”
Again, Allie has a lack of response, let alone any words that could form into a coherent word, and she just nods, this could be the entire date, and I wouldn’t have a complaint.
“Just like the show?” Allie asked, trying to hide the laugh behind her hand. Mateo pulled out all the stops, if there was a prize for first dates, he would have won the blue ribbon. What most people would have chalked up to a coincidence, she knew that God’s hand was in this, there was no way that it couldn’t have been. How else would Mateo have planned a first date in the clearing where she dreamed of building a house one day? That this was the spot that she fell in love with when she first moved to the property? That this is where she was when she first felt God’s presence and heard His voice?
“Just like the show,” Mateo confirms with a chuckle as he leans back on his hands with his legs stretched out in front of him. He and Allie sit side by side on the blue, flannel blanket, their bellies full of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and jalapeno cheddar kettle chips. They laugh together as they share embarrassing stories from their past, “I had a script wrote out, like a telenovela, and there may or may not be pictured evidence somewhere.” Mateo explains, cringing at the memory.
“Shut up, no way,” Allie claps her hand as she belts out a laugh, “that’s amazing. I loved that show.”
The two continued to talk about their high school experiences with Mateo wondering how someone as beautiful as Allie could come from the environment that she describes. Not only was she beautiful on the outside, but it radiated from within. That much he could see.
“So, how did you end up in River Valley?”
“By the grace of God,” Allie said chuckling as she looked at the setting sun. She thanked God for the long days because she didn’t want the night to end, “I was tired of being under my parent’s thumb, so I moved out and got my first big girl job.” She spoke before she could think of it, almost letting out the secret that she held so closely to her chest, but it wasn’t exactly first date talk.
Tell him.
She heard the audible voice in her head, but she argued against it, God, I can’t tell him. He’s going to think I’m crazy.
Tell him.
How? How do I tell him? It’s going to hurt him. I don’t want to lose this when I just found it, she continued to argue with the Holy Spirit though she knew she was right, but she knew fighting was futile. When she argued with Him, it was almost like her Spirit would be crawling out of her skin to fulfil the assignment that God had for her.
But how would she do this? Okay, God, if you want me to do this, give me an opening.
“What was your first big girl job?” Mateo asked, leaving Allie breathless but also wanting to laugh too. She asked, and He delivered yet again.
“I was a dispatcher for Cherokee County right after I had Asher…” she paused, her body tensing under the admission.
Mateo chuckled as he processed what she just said, though Allie is a rough and tumble girl, he couldn’t imagine her as a dispatcher. She seemed too soft to be in law enforcement, but the more that he thought about it, the more that puzzle pieces seemed to connect, “How long were you a dispatcher?”
“Just a couple of weeks… I quit after my first official call.” She spoke quietly.
“And why was that?”
Allie gulped, not wanting to divulge any further. She desperately wanted to keep it close to her chest, for Mateo to never to find out, to keep it a secret because the things that she already felt for him were supernatural.
But as much as she wanted to, she remembered advice that she had seen on a talk show from a man who had been married to his wife for thirty years. When asked, he said the key to a lasting and meaningful relationship was to build upon the foundation of Christ, and people can’t do that if there are secrets. Allie remembered that the man said to be brutally honest, to get everything out in the open to avoid having to explain or justify things in the future when the truth inevitably came out.
Soft tears formed at the brim of Allie’s eyes, “It broke me.”
“It was you, wasn’t it?”
Allie looked at him, the tears spilling from her eyes, as she simply nodded. Her throat was clogged, threatening to choke her if she dare spoke. This is the moment that she was afraid of, the shoe that loomed above them. You should just get up and walk back. Just leave and keep to yourself until he leaves. It’ll be better that way, Allie tells herself. Just as she’s about to push herself up, a warm hand covers hers.
“I can’t believe this.” Mateo says and Allie cautiously looks his way, his hand still on hers. His eyes glaze over as he looks at a spot in front of him, not saying anything. Mateo doesn’t know what to think. Since that day, that voice is the only thing that has kept him spiraling when a dream about his mother’s death haunted him. There were dreams that would be so real that sparked a visceral reaction, one that made him drip with cold sweat as he panted to catch his breath, dreams that were so lifelike that he could swear that he heard his mother’s voice and felt her touch again. But these dreams, as nice as they began, quickly turned into a nightmare.
But then, like his subconscious knew what he was looking for, the voice appeared. The nightmare would dissipate, and peace would fill his every sense, and the feeling of someone holding his hand would linger on his fingertips. Mateo longed to hear the voice again, in reality, especially on the days those random memories of his mom ransacked him. He would be fine, living his best life until something reminded him of her. The worst were the times that he walked by the churches, like his own form of torture, and would hear the choir singing the traditional hymns. Those were always his mom’s favorite, the ones she was always singing around the house while she cleaned, did the laundry, or cooked dinner.
Now she’s right here.
The ghost that he had been chasing in his dreams.
The voice that saved him.
“Mateo, I’m sorry-“ but before she could finish her apology, Mateo’s lips connected with hers in a blinding, passionate kiss. Gone was the slow-burning, gentle one that they shared just a couple of hours ago. Mateo’s hand holds Allie’s face as he kisses her fervently, like he’d miss his chance if he didn’t do it now. It was unlike anything either one of them had ever felt, not that they had much to compare it to. Allie had only ever kissed Hayes, but it never felt like this. There was no passion, there was no vulnerability. Hayes always had an agenda, always had a mission that he wanted to accomplish as quickly as possible, leaving Allie racked with disgust and shame after every encounter.
Mateo never bothered to have a girlfriend serious enough to explore this side of a relationship. Like Hayes, he always tried filling a void but was never satisfied, leaving him empty and numb, “I’m sorry, Allie. I couldn’t help myself.” He says after he pried himself from her and rests his head on her forehead once again. He gives her another soft, supple kiss on the lips, which Allie loses herself in. She knows that they need to slow down before they cross a boundary, but this intimacy is addicting. He’s addicting.
“No complaints here.” She says, fluffing her hair as she rights herself after Mateo sits back in the position that he was. Allie also notices that he doesn’t move his hand from hers, “Mateo, I’m sorry. I have to admit that I knew. Well, I didn’t know you when it happened, but I did put the pieces together when I interviewed with Maria.” Allie bites the side of her mouth, anticipating a fight or a coldness. She had intentionally kept something from him but yet he surprises her again.
“Allie, it’s okay. I’m not mad, if anything…” Mateo sits there, sitting up into an upright position then pulling his knees to his chest. He finally removes his hand from Allie’s, and she can’t help but miss the heat and the security that his hand provided. Mateo looked out across the clearing, between the trees where the dock is built. Silently, he watches the water as it ripples from the catfish that live beneath the surface, and the turtles that float on top of the water, “I’m relieved. I always thought I was crazy. If what happened wasn’t traumatic enough, imagining your voice was the next worse thing.”
Tears that were beginning to gather at the brim of Allie’s eyes began to trickle down her face. In her worst moment, but one that she praises as the moment that God had called out to her, He used her when she didn’t even know Him. That moment, that call was the catalyst to her finding Jesus and for Him to reveal that she provided this man. But she couldn’t help but wonder how he saw God in all of this, or did he even see Him at all?
“Crazy how God works, huh?” Allie blurts out, smooth move, Rosalie, she shakes her head at her subtle approach. Lord, I’m sorry. I don’t know how to do this. Please, help me. Give me the words like you did that night. Don’t give up on him, Lord. Please, bring him back to you, Allie prays while she waits for Mateo’s response. They haven’t talked about Christianity since that night before they bought her security system.
“Yeah, maybe, but I just don’t get Him sometimes.”
“What do you mean?”
Allie scoots closer to Mateo and instinctively interlocks her hand with his as she leans her head against his shoulder. They sit silently, absorbing the moment as the sun begins to fade behind the clouds. It isn’t lost on Allie how easy this moment is with him. Because of Hayes, she always had high walls up. Impenetrable. She hadn’t dated much outside of Hayes but the few dates that she did go on went nowhere. Not even a kiss goodnight. Even though she was ever the hopeless romantic, she didn’t much believe in sparks, or fireworks, or love at first sight… but she was confident in the answer, “When you know, you know.”
She knew.
This was easy.
It was light.
She was convinced that this was Jesus.
“Like how does God do it? How does He pick and choose? He picks and chooses who gets to live and die, who is wealthy and who isn’t, who receives a miracle and who doesn’t. How does He determine who gets that?” He looks at Allie, deep questions swirling in those deep chocolate brown irises, questions that Allie understands all too well. Questions that she herself asked after Mateo’s mom was shot.
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.
“Those are tough questions, but you’ll never know unless you ask.” Allie replies. Allie could have given Him the bible verse that she knows the Holy Spirit had given to her, but she also felt to nudge Mateo in the direction and to let him chew on the advice rather than blather on about something that he isn’t ready for yet. Allie knows that she could have explained all the answers that God revealed to her on her journey, but she knows that what Mateo went through is vastly different than what she experienced, and it would ultimately be up to him to seek God if he truly wanted those answers.
“Yeah…” Mateo looks around, the summer sky beginning to darken and the one thing that he failed to bring was a lantern or any source of light. He sighs, not wanting his time with Allie to end, “Unless we want to get attacked by a coyote, we better get headed back.” Allie fluttered her lips and agreed. The coyotes howling always freaked her out and she’s seen the aftermath of one attack against the cattle and that was enough for her. They quickly packed up the remnants of the picnic, putting it back into the basked and loading into the back of the Rhino, and off they went.
They arrived back to Allie’s just as the sun fully set, darkness surrounding them except for Allie’s porchlight. The two were reluctant to get out of the vehicle, the pull was so strong between them. They slowly made their way up the porch steps to Allie’s front door, when Mateo noticed something that he hadn’t noticed before, “What’s this?” he asked Allie as he traced over the words and illustrations with his finger.
“It’s my favorite bible verse. It’s why my door is yellow. I added it after Asher, and I moved in.”
You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead, they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:14-16
“Why is it your favorite?” he asked quietly
Allie thought for a minute, trying to find the words that perfectly articulate why that verse calls to her so much. Perhaps it was because she felt like she lived in darkness too long, desperately seeking the light that God tried to offer countless of times. Perhaps it was because when she did see glimpses of light, she became addicted to finding again and she wanted to be a fragment of that light for others who seek it. She’d give anything to always talk about the testimony that God gave her, the light that He provided, the hand He used to pull her from the darkened trenches. Perhaps, it’s a conversation starter to the gospel that she loves to hear about and tell herself.
Perhaps, it’s all of it.
Allie looks at the door, illuminated under the porch light then back to Mateo, “I think… it serves as a reminder to be light. We never know what people are going through or they’re wrestling with. I want to be someone that people can go to and be in God’s presence. I want my home to be somewhere people can come to and receive His light.”
Mateo ponders on her words but doesn’t say much, instead he masks his emotions with a smile and Allie can’t help but feel a little disappointed. She was hoping that he would be open to talking about his faith with her, “I hope you had a good time tonight.” He says, grabbing her hands and intertwining his fingers with hers.
“I did.”
Mateo steps forward, leading Allie to do the same as they share one more soft, tender kiss. When Mateo pulls back, he asks if he can see her again to which Allie agrees. Mateo promises to call her the next day and with that they part ways. A soft click of the doorknob and Allie gently opens the door, to not wake Millie or Asher. When she walks into the house, she smiles and rolls her eyes as she sees plates filled with pizza crusts and Transformers playing on the T.V with Millie and Asher sleeping soundly on the couch.
Softly closing the door behind her, she falls back on the wood, still holding the knob behind her back. She shakes her head at how unbelievable this night was, that someone like Mateo finds value in her when Hayes had done a decent job at making her believe that no one would ever want her. After the last tryst with Hayes, she made the decision to be alone. She trusted that God would bring her someone someday, but she was tired of trying. She had become numb to the pain, tolerant of behaviors that were beneath her moral code and what she wanted from a partner.
How is this happening, God? She leans her head back against her door, allowing herself to revel in this experience and be excited, for once. This was different. She could fill in the tips of her fingers. She closes her eyes and smiles wide as she releases a little squeal, praying that Mateo would keep his word, that she would hear from him again. She walks over to the living room and picks up the remnants of dinner. She deposits the leftovers to the trash then places the dishes in the sink, not going to end this great of a night doing dishes. That’s a problem for tomorrow, she thinks as she walks back over to the couch. She kisses Asher on the head then gets another blanket from her wooden rack so that they weren’t awkwardly sharing one since they were laying at opposite ends of the couch.
She lets the movie keep running, using it as a makeshift nightlight, as she shuts down the rest of the house then locks up and sets the alarms. As she does that, her phone dings with a text message:
Mateo: Tonight was…
Mateo: amazing.
Mateo: Can I see you tomorrow?
Allie bites her bottom lip between her teeth, attempting to hold her composure in though no one is around to see how hard she’s smiling. Her heart threatens to beat out of her chest, just as it did right before Mateo kissed her for the first time tonight. Her skin lights up as the memory resurfaces, the feeling of his lips on hers comes to life, heating up the apples of her cheeks. Taking a few calming breaths, she replies, now pinching her lip between her fingers as she nervously replies.
She isn’t quite sure how to navigate dating. She appreciates the support that she gets from Mateo’s family because it’s a hassle to get her mother to agree to anything without her input or incessant need to control the situation. The last time that she had asked her mother to babysit so she could go on a potential date, it was a disaster. Asher, who never had an issue spending the night with them, who was cheerful when she dropped him off suddenly couldn’t bear to be away from his mom. He had apparently been crying for hours, wanting her to come pick him up. She noted that they had conveniently gone to Hayes’ house and were having dinner with his parents when this was all boiling over.
Usually Saturdays were for Allie and Asher to spend together. Just the two of them. They would do whatever Asher wanted, almost like a ‘yes’ day, but should Allie say anything? She contemplated if she should just tell him she was busy with Asher. She was sure he’d understand but she’d be lying if she said she didn’t want to see him. I couldn’t invite him, could I? He wouldn’t want to hang out with a rambunctious four-year-old, would he? She thought to herself. Instead of overthinking it, like she was prone to do, she just went with what she was feeling.
Allie: Asher and I usually have a standing date on Saturdays. I was thinking about taking him to the zoo, would you want to join us?
Mateo: Are you sure? I don’t want to impose.
Allie: Are you kidding? The kid is obsessed with you. He talks about you all the time. He’d love it.
Mateo: Okay, it’s a date. I’ll pick you and Asher up tomorrow. Is 9 okay?
Allie: Perfect. See you then.
Though Allie wasn’t sure inviting Mateo along with her and Asher was a great idea, she couldn’t hide her smile any longer. Over the years, she had listened to all the talk shows and read the books for single parents who are thinking about dating and when it’s best to introduce kids to partners, but this was different. Mateo had already met Asher, and Asher has a relationship with his family. So, how did she separate the two?
Don’t get ahead of yourself, Allie. It was just one date, she tells herself. That’s how she would approach it. Mateo was just a friend. A really good friend. A really good friend that she would keep a respectable distance from in front of her son so she didn’t confuse him, but she definitely wanted to keep kissing in secret.
Oh, boy… I’m in trouble. Lord, help me. As a parent, what do I do here?
Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”
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