Lord, why can’t I sleep? I’ve been tossing and turning, and I can’t find rest, Allie complains. She feels tired but can’t seem to find rest. Instead of tossing and turning, potentially waking up Millie with the ruckus, she sneaks out and heads downstairs. Since fully immersing herself in her journey with Christ, she has come to find that nights like these are nights where Jesus wants to talk to her. Luckily for her, there is always a Bible sitting within arm’s reach. She finds her way to the living room where, as she suspected, there was a study bible sitting on the coffee table.
“Okay, God. What are You wanting to show me? What are You wanting to tell me?” She looks at the Bible, weary of just opening it to a random page, she did that once, seeking guidance and opened it to the middle of the Leviticus. While knowing Levitical law is important, it wasn’t exactly the earthshattering profoundness of God’s presence that she had been hoping for. With the Bible in her lap, she closes her eyes as she takes a calming breath in. In the quiet night, the silence of the house, she focuses on hearing God’s voice. She thumbs thin, golden, reflective pages, I haven’t read the Psalms in a while. I’ll start there. Lord, my eyes are willing to see, and my ears are open to hear. Show me what I need to see.” Taking a big hunk of pages in her hands, the book opens with a thunk and she shuffles through the pages to find the area she’s searching for. She finally finds the last page of the Psalms then narrows her search until she stops on a page that was already bookmarked.
Psalms 30.
Start here.
She begins to read out loud, every stanza, every line, every prayer, a raw and spoken prayer from King David. So beautiful and eloquently written, she can feel every emotion that he felt. These are her favorite Psalms and the ones that she read repeatedly as she was trying to heal the damage that Hayes had done, trying to reignite the spark that he had tried to steal. She smiled as she read the pages, her fingers softly grazing over the words. It was a nice reminder of God’s faithfulness, His presence while she was grieving, and His promise of deliverance. As she was beginning to read Psalms 34, she heard the stairs creak and quieted her voice.
She sat frozen on the couch, afraid that she woke Millie or Dominic, but she was surprisingly pleased when she saw Mateo come around the corner from the staircase. He looked dazed for a moment, stupidly handsome even though he just woke up and his short curls are in disarray. Try as she might, she tried to look away, but as if the devil knew exactly what she liked, so Mateo appeared. His bulging muscles on display since he was only wearing a white tank top, the brightness of said tank top contrasting beautifully against his tanned skin. Thick, black rimmed glasses, that she was unaware he wore, sit atop his nose. The glasses and tattoos created an image that was all too enticing, but as the lust grew, she recognized it and immediately looked away. Praying that God would either send him back to bed or she would have the strength to resist.
It wasn’t something that she was necessarily proud of, but what she told Mateo was true. The last time that she gave into the weakness of sleeping with someone that wasn’t her future husband was six months ago. As soon as Hayes had told her that he prayed for the day for her to meet someone was the day that she wept and grieved to the Lord about her virtue. She was mad at herself that she had given something so precious to someone who didn’t see her body, let alone her as a gift. Sex was designed by him to be beautiful, as an expression of love between two people who declared to be in covenant with Him, and she let herself tarnish it. It would be a long time with many therapy sessions before she finally forgave herself and prayed that she would wait until God led her to her future husband.
No longer did she see sex and her body as something valuable that she could offer. No, she made a promise to God that her body, her heart, and her life belonged to Him until He trusted her to be someone’s wife and until He trusted a man to be her husband. She let go of the potential that felt Hayes had, surrendering it to God, and trusting that either God will restore Hayes to a man trustworthy of Allie or He would lead her to someone who is.
As if Mateo finally understood what was happening, like this wasn’t a dream and he was actually awake in front of Allie, he cleared his throat, “Allie? Is everything okay?”
Allie shifted, lifting up the Bible to pull a throw blanket over her lap, “Oh, yeah. I just couldn’t sleep so I came downstairs. I didn’t wake you, did I?”
Mateo, assuming unintentionally, flexed his bicep as he reached behind his head to scratch his neck and Allie thought, Oof. The devil is working hard tonight, but my God works harder. Lord, you said that you wouldn’t let me be tempted beyond what I can bear. Lead me out of this, keeping the promise that I made to you.
“Oh, no. You didn’t. I couldn’t sleep either. I just came downstairs to get something to drink. You actually scared the crap out of me just now. That’s why I was so still.”
Allie giggled, her soft melodic laugh ringing beautifully in the air as she pulled her hand up to her mouth to quiet herself, “Oh, my goodness. I’m so sorry.”
“No, we’re cool,” Mateo looks back to the staircase where the kitchen is just on the other side, “I’m gonna grab a bottle of water. You want one?” Allie brightly nods, welcoming the break from the probably one-sided tension crackling within her. Allie, get ahold of yourself. This is the Pastor’s son. YOUR boss’s son. Your babysitter’s brother. Finish reading and get back upstairs, she chastises herself. Mateo reappears shortly after, handing her the chilly bottle.
“You mind if I sit?” He asks, pointing to the recliner to the left of the couch where she’s sitting. Suddenly nervous, unable to form words with her adrenaline starting to buzz, she simply nods and looks back down at the Bible in her lap. She tries to concentrate on reading once again but she can feel Mateo staring at her. Her cheeks begin to heat under his gaze, squirming uncomfortably under the tension between the two of them. Just as she was about to give up and try to get some sleep, Mateo clears his throat, “What are you reading?”
His voice shouldn’t have startled her, she knew he was there, but his question made her jump nonetheless. Her hand flies to her chest as she gasps aloud, “Oh, my goodness. I am so sorry,” she lets out steading breath, chuckling to herself, “guess you got me back… but… I am reading the book of Psalms. It’s one of my favorite books.” Allie gives a whimpered smile as she holds up the massive book. She isn’t sure how to approach the situation with Mateo or talks of Jesus. A niggling feeling settles in her belly about that fateful day, like she should just blurt it out, how would I even start that conversation, ‘oh by the way, I was the dispatcher from the shooting that killed your mom, by the way, what are your thoughts on Christianity?’ From what she heard from the family, Mateo has strayed from the church and doesn’t like talking about it much.
Mateo doesn’t say anything other than just giving an acknowledging nod, so Allie offers to move upstairs if he wanted to be by himself, “No, it’s okay. My mom liked the Psalms too.” Mateo says and he isn’t sure why. He doesn’t like talking about his mom, he doesn’t like being reminded of how much she isn’t here nor is she coming back. He heard Allie reading as he was coming downstairs and he thought it was just a dream, her voice was ethereal, enchanting, and calming. He wanted to hear her again, to sit and listen to her read, but how would he go about asking? Would it be weird?
“Which one were you reading?” Mateo asks hesitantly.
“Oh, uh, I started at Psalms 30 and just got to Psalms 34 when you came down.”
“Would you mind reading that one? I’ve never read them before.”
Allie is surprised that he never read the Psalms since his dad is a Pastor, but she corrects herself, Don’t judge his journey, Allie. You never read the Bible until three years ago. She adjusts herself, nodding silently as she begins to read the chapter. Mateo relaxes into the recliner, looking up at the ceiling as Allie’s gentle tone glides through words he had never heard before. It was a surreal moment for him. He had grown up in church his entire life, knew all the stories or at least he thought he did. He probably couldn’t tell you anything about who wrote the Bible. One thing that he did know is that he had never heard or experienced a God that was this close before, this intimate, is this type of relationship with God only for the people of the Old Testament? Does this type of relationship even exist anymore? He ponders as he continues to listen to Allie.
His body tenses when she reads, “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, and not one of them will be broken…”
Mateo lets Allie finish, so many questions are plaguing his mind. He wasn’t sure which way was up or down, which was left or right, right or wrong. Before this moment, not once in the last five years had he let himself think about God, Christianity, Jesus, or religion. As much as he believed that God and Jesus were real, that Jesus truly did die on the cross, he just wasn’t sure if there was space reserved for him. He wasn’t sure if he even wanted a space if God would just let his mom die, but these words, the scripture is so different than anything he ever knew before.
How long had he been crushed in spirit without realizing it? How long had he lived with a broken heart from his mom dying? Had God really been there the entire time?
“I don’t know about all that.” He huffs, resigning that God must have not been too close if He just let his mom die, especially with the way that she loved Him. Didn’t that count for anything?
“About what?”
“That He’s close to the brokenhearted or whatever it is that you said.”
Allie lets out a hesitant breath, not sure where to go from here. Luckily but not so lucky, she hasn’t had many of these kinds of encounters of unbelief. With taking the job at the church, she had found a community of believers that never doubted or questioned God though she had her doubts in the beginning. Even though she never truly spoke of them, God had revealed answers in due time, had enlightened her to questions that she had not dared to speak aloud in fear of “not being Christianly” enough.
She purses her lips back and forth, choosing her next words carefully, “I think He’s as close as people allow them to be.”
Mateo picks at the brown fibers on the arm of the couch, “Then I would say He’s pretty far from me, but I’m not sure how close I’d want Him after everything. With my anger, He probably should stay far away.” Allie’s face must read the terror she feels after hearing his harsh words because Mateo chuckles when he looks over at her, “Don’t worry. I still believe in Him. He knows my heart, but when I get to Heaven, we’ll get to hash it out.”
He does know your heart, isn’t that scary though? Allie questions, wondering whether she should speak it to contradict his theories. If he keeps on like this, he may not get to Heaven. Even only spending a few hours with him over the last couple of days, it makes her sad. She’s sad knowing how much he’s carrying and how close he is to being delivered from it. Her heart grieves for Mateo knowing how close he truly is to finding freedom, Lord, I don’t know what to do here. I’m scared and I don’t know what to say or how to approach him. I’m scared for him, Lord. Please. Save him. Let him come home.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.
Allie breathes out a sigh of relief, Okay, Lord. I trust You. Lead me where I need to go.
Allie lets out a groan as her annoying siren of an alarm blares in the quiet room. After their heavy conversation about God and faith, it didn’t halt like Allie had anticipated. It kept going well into the early morning, so much so that Allie had only gotten a couple hours of sleep before she was set to wake up for work. After the tension of the moment had faded, Allie put away the Bible and opted to turn on the tv.
A commercial had come on and without warning Mateo had told a joke that had Allie in stiches. She threw her head back, trying to keep her laughter as quiet as possible. It had felt so good for her to laugh, especially after the way that Hayes had shown up out of the blue. It was the craziest thing and Allie isn’t sure how or where it escalated so quickly. One minute he was talking to her about the girl that he had been with, and he hadn’t felt the same because she didn’t love him the way that Allie had. He missed Allie and their family, he wanted her to move back so that they could live together and eventually get married. As much as those words would have excited her a year ago, and they had, she became angry as he stood in front of her.
Had he really thought so low of her that just a couple of sweet words would be enough for her to drop her shorts? However, she supposed she couldn’t blame him, that was the standard that she had set. That’s all he ever had to do. But no more, and she said as much. She didn’t make him promise that he was going to change, that they would go to church together, or even promise himself to her. She simply told him no and it was only a few moments later that Mateo showed up.
Allie stretched and groaned some more as she stood up to go to the bathroom to get ready. She wasn’t sure how she would ever make it through the workday, let alone, going shopping with Mateo then coming back for Wednesday night service. She was exhausted, but a good kind of exhausted. If she had to repeat the events of last night, she would. She enjoyed her time with Mateo. There was something about him that spoke to her soul, like he understood her on a level that no one else ever had, not even her family, but last night was dangerous for no other reason than possibilities.
She had remembered a time when she tried the very thing that Mateo was doing last night with Hayes. She had a funny joke about a commercial that had come on and blurted it out, laughing at herself when Hayes looked at her with such contempt that immediately sobered her up. Even though he kept his comment about her joke fairly mild, she knew by the look on his face that he didn’t say everything that he had felt. However, Mateo was different.
He laughed.
Not just a huff, a giggle, or a chuckle.
He threw his head back, grabbed his stomach and laughed. It was the best sound that Allie had ever heard besides Asher’s laugh. It was so simple, yet it meant so much that she wouldn’t be able to eloquently explain why. It just mattered.
And that’s what was scary.
Mateo was seemingly perfect.
He was too good to be true.
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
Don’t let me get my hopes up, Lord. I don’t want to get hurt, Allie says as she remembers the perfect night just hours before. For the first time in a long time, she felt hope bloom in her chest.
“Another cup?” Millie asked, pointing to the coffee machine, as she helped Allie get the youth room ready for service that night. It wasn’t really a room, per se. It was more like a huge pole barn garage that was divided into a bunch of sections. Maverick thought that the kids would be more comfortable and more willing to talk about issues close to them if their parents weren’t so close. Luckily, the parents within the congregation trust Mav and the youth team exponentially to work with them as parents to best serve the kids in the youth group.
Mav never divulges any secret trusted to him, but he does heavily encourage and pray for the kids to always be honest with their parents no matter how hard it may seem. As Allie pours her third cup of coffee, giving Millie a playfully snarky look, she wishes that she had a youth leader as loving as Mav is with this bunch. She couldn’t confide anything to her youth leader without them immediately running to her parents, nor would they give her any advice that was biblically sound.
“I heard a lot of laughter coming from the living room last night.” She sing songs as she unfolds another chair. Allie halts her movements mid-drink. She can feel her cheeks grow an unusual shade of pink. She slowly turns to where Millie is standing hoping, praying that she heard her wrong and she doesn’t have to have this humiliating conversation about her and her brother staying up all night like they were in high school, giggling about their shared hatred of bleu cheese of all things. As Allie faces Millie, she sees her standing there with a suspecting grin on her face, her arms crossed, and her hip cocked out to the side.
“Anything that you want to tell me? Weren’t you supposed to be my sleepover guest?” she says with a playful sassiness. Although Allie knows that Millie is being playful, she couldn’t be more mortified if she heard them that the rest of the house did too. Her breath catches in her throat, her eyes widen to an unhealthy size as she tries to come up with some suitable excuse of why she was downstairs with her brother in the wee hours of the morning, instead, word vomit pours out as she rapidly tells Millie a detailed account of what happened.
Millie giggles holding up her hands, “Allie, whoa. Calm down. You don’t have to explain yourself. I know that neither you or Mateo would disrespect the house that way. Plus, I know your promise. I was just teasing. I thought it was cute.” She assures Allie, allowing for her to relax the shoulders that never seemed to release the tension that is always building in them.
“What all did you hear?”
“Nothing much,” She says as she unfolds another chair before standing upright with a weary look on her face, “but I do have to ask…”
“What?”
“What was the conversation about blue cheese about?”
It takes a moment for the words to register with Allie before she explodes with laughter. Millie’s face combined with her confused facial expression and the absurdity of the conversation has tears falling from her face as she doubles over. When she finally catches her breath, she wipes the tears from her eyes, “I have no idea. I think there was a commercial or something that came on and it was about bleu cheese, and it just evolved from me not liking it to it being the greatest offense that someone could commit if they tried to serve us a dish with it. Apparently, your brother had ordered some sort of bleu cheeseburger at a restaurant thinking it was something different and it smelled like feet.”
Allie continues to giggle throughout telling the story, causing Millie to start laughing as her face lightens up, “Oh, my goodness! I remember that! Burgers are his favorite food and he was so upset!”
Allie and Millie have a seat as they continue to laugh, and she shares a little more about the night. Millie looks at her, “You both deserve the joy in this life. Happiness looks good on the both of you.”
The girls finish setting up for Wednesday night service and Allie is dragging. She can’t wait for the day to be over so she can get some well needed sleep. She couldn’t remember the last time that she pulled an all-nighter on top of staying up the entire next day. However, as exhausted as she was, she couldn’t bring herself to regret her time with Mateo. She wasn’t sure what was between them, but she could feel the walls around her heart, that she had carefully and dutifully constructed, begin to simply melt away.
When she had dreamt about the man that she would eventually marry, she had this vision, so to speak, that he would fight for her. He would take the figurative sledgehammer to each brick that she meticulously placed that guarded her heart. He would love her and Asher so much that he would fight past every insecurity, every stronghold, every shameful secret and love her despite those things. It’s different with Mateo.
It’s light.
It’s easy.
It’s effortless.
It should be concerning, but it isn’t.
Soon enough, enough three o’clock finally comes around. The school bus comes to a screeching halt in front of the church parking lot with Asher excitedly running off the bus to the double doors of the church. He yells out for Allie, the sweetest sound that she’s ever heard as she leaps into her arms. She twirls him around making him squeal with giggles. She gives a friendly wave to Mr. Garr, the elderly bus driver, who returns the wave as he drives off to continue his route.
The pair walk hand in hand through the doors and to Allie’s office, “Hey, bud. How are you? Did you have fun at Lovie and Pop’s house?”
Asher nodded excitedly as Allie reached into her mini fridge to get him a drink as he perused her little shelf for an after-school snack. He went into a five-minute spiel about the stores that they went to, what they had for dinner, and all the new goodies that her parents bought for him. She smiled on the outside as she ruffled his hair, wondering if they could ever repair their relationship. She couldn’t deny that she wanted one but every time she thought about letting them be close to her again, she cringed. As much as they didn’t seem to care about Allie’s wants or needs, they made up for it as grandparents, and for that she was thankful.
Grateful.
As Asher began telling Allie about his day at school, a knock sounded on the doorframe, “Millie!” Asher shouted as he sprung up from his lounge chair in the corner of Allie’s office. Allie wished for the blind faith that he had with people catching him as he jumped into Millie’s arms. She happily caught him mid air then another round of squeals and giggles sounded as Millie relentlessly tickled him until he cried uncle.
“You wanna go to my house tonight?” Millie asks him.
“Tonight?! I only go to your house during the day!”
“Your mom is going to do boring stuff with Mateo so you can come eat dinner with me and Poppy D then your mom will come get you after the big kids get out of service. How’s that sound?”
“Mom, is that okay?!” He quickly turns back to Millie, “Can I help Poppy D feed the animals?!”
Millie feigns offense as she asks, “You’d rather feed some smelly animals than hang out with me?” She gently rests her a hand against her chest, widening her eyes to sell the act. Asher rolls his eyes as he groans out her name, “I kid, I kid. Yes, we can help Poppy D feed the animals.”
“Yes!” He exclaims and just as he runs back into the office to grab his things, the double door opens revealing a highly anticipated guest. Allie knew that Mateo was coming, she knew that she would be spending the afternoon with him, but that didn’t stop a smile from forming or the butterflies in her stomach from fluttering.
I seriously need to get ahold of myself, she thought but just as quickly that thought came, it went right back out when Mateo saw her and smiled back, Great googly moogly. How is he so handsome?
“Hey, you ready to go?”
“Yeah, sure. Let me just grab my things and lock up.”
Allie walks back to her office, grabs her purse before giving Asher a hug and a kiss. She tells him to be good as he and Millie climb into her car to drive back to the farm. Millie singsongs for the two to have fun, making Allie blush once again, out of her window as she peels out of the parking lot. Allie quietly releases a steady breath while placing the back of her hands against her cheeks. Unfortunately for Allie, it felt like she had almost no melanin in her skin so any emotion that she felt, including embarrassment, contrasted brightly against her skin. It made it very difficult to dismiss people’s concerns when she was upset, not liking to talk about what was upsetting her out of fear of rejection or that she was a burden.
How this man didn’t realize that he was made directly in Heaven from the Good Lord, she doesn’t quite understand because she was nearly flabbergasted when she turned around, and he was holding the car door open for her. She thanked him meekly as she climbed in, chastising herself once again to clean her act up so she didn’t do or say anything embarrassing in front of him. The trip was perfect. They talked and laughed just as they had earlier that morning, picking up where they had left off.
Allie couldn’t ignore how effortless it was and the stark differences between him and Hayes. She thought she was so in love with Hayes, so sure that her first love was always meant to be her last and only love. Or at least, that’s what she had surmised reading all the young adult romance novels and watching every romantic comedy known to man when she was growing up. In part, she had blamed Hollywood for her assumption that her and Hayes were meant to be together because the bad boy always straightened out for the “good girl.” Because of her strong feelings for Hayes, that she’s slowly realizing might have just been infatuation, she never bothered to check her feelings.
Even on their “best days”, it was never this easy. She had always felt a need to perform when she was with him. She had to be the cool girlfriend, the down-to-earth girlfriend, the non-jealous girlfriend, the easygoing baby mama, the one who was always there, the girl who loved sex as much as he apparently did. A doormat. If Allie felt anything that threatened the convenience of her being someone that he could walk all over, she was wrong. It jeopardized the illusion that they had both created, that Hayes was truly the man they had made up in their head.
But just as she told Mateo, the last day that she would allow herself to disrespect herself and her body, just moments after, he had told her that the best day of his life would be the day he found out that she had found someone else. The bubble popped. The rose-colored glasses shattered before her, clattering to the ground. There would be no grandiose proclamation of love, no monologue detailing all the ways that he had taken her for granted, no promise to be a better man for her and their son, no impending marriage.
The couple of months after were dark for her, darker than they had ever been, and that’s where she truly met God, down in the trenches of shame, guilt, and disappointment. She blamed herself for Asher not having the dad that he deserved. Always trying to be perfect then beating herself up when she snapped, got frustrated, or lashed out when he made her angry. It was like he would push her to those breaking points, especially after they would sleep together, just so he would have the excuse to not be as involved as he should be. It was a tough time but by His grace, she has been seeing His light more and more each day.
The entire trip went by too quickly. They laughed, joked, theorized, talked about wonders of the world, and much to Allie’s delight, they talked a little bit about Jesus. It wasn’t much, but it didn’t have to be. A seed had been planted and she praised God that, not only was He flourishing it, but that she also got to witness it. They did have a small kerfuffle at the department store as they scoped out security systems with Allie trying to calculate how much she could afford on her budget, but Mateo combated her.
It was his idea and his insistence that she get one so he should be the one to pay. They argued back and forth until Allie finally relented saying that if he wouldn’t let her pay then he should at the very least let her make him dinner as a thank you. They agreed with the stipulation that she make the chicken adobo that she made for his welcome home luncheon.
“It’s a date.” She declared bravely, mimicking the words he had told her just the day before. Mateo’s chest puffed a little at her words, giving her a grin that took her breath away. With security system in hand, the two left the store as Mateo boldly placed a hand on the small of Allie’s back. His firm hand but light touch lit up her skin like Independence Day. Goosebumps ignited across every inch of her skin while she struggled to keep her composure.
Lord, get your son. Don’t let him play with me like this. I’ll marry him tomorrow.
She probably would never be able to confirm this until she gets to Heaven, but she could have sworn she heard a holy laugh. While she was only partly joking, she hoped that Mateo wasn’t another “lesson learned.” Maybe it was too early, maybe it was wishful thinking, but the part that wasn’t joking was praying that Mateo would be an answered prayer.
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