The Hardest Part

“And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” Matthew 26:39

I’ve had a lot on my mind the last few days, trying to make sense of it and find the right words. I’ve seen a lot of TikTok, Facebook, and Instagram videos from Christian influencers or just believers sharing their opinions, and one of the common themes is “the hardest part about being a Christian”. While all their opinions, concerns, and hardships are extremely valid… there is no “hardest part” about being a Christian.

All of it is hard.

Every part of Christianity can be encompassed in one single word: surrender.

                My entire life I feel like I’ve been unseen, unheard, unimportant, and unappreciated. While the Tiktoks about middle child struggles are incredibly humorous, there’s a deeply imbedded hurt that still dwells within. I know that my family loves me, I know that they care about me, and I know that they would likely be devastated if I were to suddenly die, but there were a lot of times that I felt like I was on the back burner growing up. There were times that I felt like it would be too much if I asked for something simple or expressed an emotion that was more than “I’m okay”.

                I have been described as the “ridiculous one”, the “over-dramatic one”, and the “crybaby” and to the merit of my family, I am those things. When it comes to my emotions and the way that I feel things, I can be ridiculous, over-dramatic, and a crybaby. What my family doesn’t likely know is the torment that goes on in my head before the dramatics come out. For twenty of my thirty years, I didn’t know how to properly express my emotions. I kept them in.

                Bottled up.

                Sealed away from the world.

                My emotions were bad. They hurt people. They made them feel uncomfortable. They made people mad. Eventually I think my bottle eventually filled with vinegar and everything that bothered me was a dash of baking soda to the mixture then quickly sealed again, until the pressure would become too much, and I would let some of the steam out over something little. Thus, creating an image of overdramatization. I was prime meat for manipulation, false promises, and toxicity for all the relationships that I had before my husband. Every boy that I encountered likely saw someone who was desperate, which is fair.

                I was.

                My husband and I started our journey to know Christ in December 2022, right before our wedding, and though we both grew up in church… I don’t think either of us knew how hard surrendering was. I think that there’s a common misconception of what surrendering looks like. I think to infantile believers and even more seasoned believers that surrender is just saying, “Okay, God. My life is Yours”. It’s literally surrendering everything.

                Every emotion.

                Every dream.

                Every plan.

                Every outcome.

                Everything.

                The book that I’ve been working on? I’ve had to surrender it. I took a week off from writing because I felt like God was telling me that it was becoming an idol, it was becoming my family’s savior to financial freedom, it was giving me an outlet to become self-important. I was using it to replace God. I think I knew in the back of my mind what I was doing, but I didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t want to let the dream go. I’ve wanted to write for so long, I wanted to voice my opinions, my love for Jesus, my love for love, and it devastated me when I felt that God was asking me to let it go for now.

                I need to heal.

                I can’t have a dream that conflicts with God’s word. I can’t spread His Word, His Good News, if for one, I’m going to take any amount of credit for it or if I’m bleeding on it.

                It’s the hardest thing in the world to let go of a dream, to give something to God that you have prayed for, that you loved, that you had asked others to pray for, and not know if it will ever come to life.

                Not only have I had to surrender the dream for my career, but I’ve had to surrender the best friendship that I had. This girl was my sister in every sense of the word that mattered. I got to do life with someone. I found a friendship outside of the scope of sports and school, though we had met in school, and it was one of the hardest things that I have ever done. The grief that I felt was real.

                I’ve had to surrender “justified” responses or comebacks when I was angry. I’ve had to surrender the concept of “venting” even though I was just letting steam off of my chest because it led myself and others to sin. I’ve had to my dignity and pride to apologize to people that I didn’t feel deserved it. I’ve had to surrender the dream of the person that I wanted to be with at eighteen though I felt it so deeply in my soul that we were meant to be together.

                However, as hard and excruciating as it may be, I can declare that without hesitation, without a shred of doubt, that it is worth it. In every instance that I’ve shared above with the exception of my book because I’m still in the waiting, God has delivered more than what I’ve ever expected for my life. Was it difficult being a solo parent for seven years? Absolutely. Was it hard to be patient and wait? Yes. Was it heart wrenching when I would wait and go back to someone that He was trying to lead me away from? 10000%. But did meeting my husband and the covenant that we have under God make all of it worth it? Emphatically yes. I would go through it all again to get where I am now.

                Did I hate when God humbled me to apologize to someone who I didn’t feel deserved it? Yes. I am at peace now. I’m not obsessing over the situation. I can truly say that I’ve let it go and now me and that person are close. Did it hurt letting my best friend go? It’s a pain that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. However, again, I’m at peace. I still love this person and pray that Jesus fill her life with abundance, but we just went in two different directions and that’s okay.

                Matthew 26:39 is the pinnacle of what it means to fully surrender to God’s will and what He will do with it to exalt His name. Did Jesus want to go through torture and a public crucifixion that would ultimately lead to His death? No, I couldn’t think of anyone that would be willing to go through it. Did He want to leave the friends and family that He had been gifted during this time on Earth? I could probably say that was the hardest part of what He was about to do. Who would want to willingly leave the people that they love so much in this world?

                Jesus did.

                Because He loved His Father more.

                He knew that His Father’s will was better.

                He knew that His Father had a plan that was better and mightier than what He felt in that moment.

                “Not my will, but Yours.”

                Not my control, but Yours.

                Not my response, but Yours.

                Not my dream, but Yours.

                Not my path, but Yours.

                Not me, but You.